The only thing I've ever liked about whatever I'm doing, good or bad, is the fact that I'm always at least three-quarters clear about everything I do and everything I am, and that's a lot of clarity if you ask me, because even if there's an 'unclear' part, I can always get the part of me that's clear about everything to inject some clarity into it, so that it gets wholly clear, although technically I'm not. And this false sense of well-being is totally what I want, because I know that I can't be sure of myself for sure, and I guess I might as well as cobble up an explanation that might not actually explain the state I'm in, but it's just my version or my take on my state of mind, and I'd like to think that the odds are ten on ten that I'm always right, because hey, it's my mind after all. And right now, I think I'm in a phase where I have no idea as to what I'm doing and it's just a phase, it's bound to pass as soon as I explain to myself a purpose to which I think I could be acting, and until then, I would live my phase.
I think that's the key to being me. That's the reason why I don't listen to 'superior' words, or words from people who claim they know more than me, and I say 'claim', because not all knowledge is right knowledge, there can be fallacies that sound as firm as hard fact, and although I'm not someone who's well versed to know fact from fallacy, I do know for sure that I'd feel a lot less guilty if I acted on my orders than on the lines of someone else. Because then at least I'd have no one to blame, because I know for sure that I won't blame myself. I see that as nothing but a waste of time instead of which you can always look ahead and do something to either correct or to steer clear of the mess you're in. Or the mess I'm in, because I don't quite care about your mess as much as I care about mine.
Phases. Everyone is just 'phases'. There can be claims, I know, everyone is bound to contest this line of thought talking about a self-believed sense of stability, everyone could come up saying they're pretty clear about whatever they're doing and that's how they've been for as long as they had scrutinized their lives. Like Summer Finn (I'm not going into movie-land with this remark, but this is a fair example) and that's what they are, and that's what I'm not. I always admit I'm volatile, and my volatility has everything to do with the phase I'm in and I'm not shying away from taking the blame, of course it's me who's decided to live my phase than to live something that's Utopian, and Utopian because I haven't lived like that yet and anything that's unfamiliar to me might as well be from a strange land that I don't quite like to follow or advocate. A rule-book in a different language, and I don't want to know what's in the book, because I certainly don't want to learn any language.
That's why I want to live my life, you know. I'm not a rebel, it's not like I avoid the beaten track, I'm just someone who says that he sees a track ahead of him and I'm not likely to know what it could contain unless I go ahead and take it. And I'm not game to take a taken track and neither do I want to take the track that's not been taken, I just want to do what's in store for me, and what's in store for me is exactly nothing but what I think is in store for me, and that's what I believe I ought to be doing. That's what I believe I'm doing and that's what I want to do. That's why I wasn't riled when I read what I wrote in form of what I had called 'Night-time'. I expected myself to be furious, because I had advocated something that I realize I shouldn't have, and I put that thought away the second I thought about it because I realized that the only reason why I don't like that thought is because I don't like what I was when I wrote it, and that's because I'm not the same person I was a few verses ago. And I can't go back and rewrite what I wrote, maybe I could write a different version but what's written stays: I could rewrite it perhaps, if I hadn't finished writing what I had begun to write, because then, whatever I was writing would have been alive and I can alter a living thing. But once done, what's done is done and what's done is dead, and I can't alter the dead. That belongs to a different universe, far from mine.
And that's why I don't dig up my past acts, although I'm ridden by the thought that they're bullshit.
I think that's the key to being me. That's the reason why I don't listen to 'superior' words, or words from people who claim they know more than me, and I say 'claim', because not all knowledge is right knowledge, there can be fallacies that sound as firm as hard fact, and although I'm not someone who's well versed to know fact from fallacy, I do know for sure that I'd feel a lot less guilty if I acted on my orders than on the lines of someone else. Because then at least I'd have no one to blame, because I know for sure that I won't blame myself. I see that as nothing but a waste of time instead of which you can always look ahead and do something to either correct or to steer clear of the mess you're in. Or the mess I'm in, because I don't quite care about your mess as much as I care about mine.
Phases. Everyone is just 'phases'. There can be claims, I know, everyone is bound to contest this line of thought talking about a self-believed sense of stability, everyone could come up saying they're pretty clear about whatever they're doing and that's how they've been for as long as they had scrutinized their lives. Like Summer Finn (I'm not going into movie-land with this remark, but this is a fair example) and that's what they are, and that's what I'm not. I always admit I'm volatile, and my volatility has everything to do with the phase I'm in and I'm not shying away from taking the blame, of course it's me who's decided to live my phase than to live something that's Utopian, and Utopian because I haven't lived like that yet and anything that's unfamiliar to me might as well be from a strange land that I don't quite like to follow or advocate. A rule-book in a different language, and I don't want to know what's in the book, because I certainly don't want to learn any language.
That's why I want to live my life, you know. I'm not a rebel, it's not like I avoid the beaten track, I'm just someone who says that he sees a track ahead of him and I'm not likely to know what it could contain unless I go ahead and take it. And I'm not game to take a taken track and neither do I want to take the track that's not been taken, I just want to do what's in store for me, and what's in store for me is exactly nothing but what I think is in store for me, and that's what I believe I ought to be doing. That's what I believe I'm doing and that's what I want to do. That's why I wasn't riled when I read what I wrote in form of what I had called 'Night-time'. I expected myself to be furious, because I had advocated something that I realize I shouldn't have, and I put that thought away the second I thought about it because I realized that the only reason why I don't like that thought is because I don't like what I was when I wrote it, and that's because I'm not the same person I was a few verses ago. And I can't go back and rewrite what I wrote, maybe I could write a different version but what's written stays: I could rewrite it perhaps, if I hadn't finished writing what I had begun to write, because then, whatever I was writing would have been alive and I can alter a living thing. But once done, what's done is done and what's done is dead, and I can't alter the dead. That belongs to a different universe, far from mine.
And that's why I don't dig up my past acts, although I'm ridden by the thought that they're bullshit.
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